Sexual Desire

“Low” sexual desire is one of the top reasons people come to sex therapy. However, some people who experience “low desire” actually have what’s called “responsive desire,” which is completely normal and healthy*. Below, I provide some information about types of sexual desire in order to both dispel misconceptions about sexual desire and to provide you with some considerations for how to adjust your sex life to meet your specific type of desire.

As a society, we’re pretty poorly educated on what is “normal” sexual desire. Often, people think that normal sexual desire looks like something out of a movie: You’re cooking together in the kitchen. One person cracks an egg a certain way. You lock eyes. Suddenly you’re on the floor, all over each other. However, such media portrayals are just one type of sexual desire: spontaneous desire. 

In Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she describes spontaneous desire as appearing “in anticipation of pleasure,” which is why it appears spontaneous: nothing explicitly sexual is happening yet, but their mind and body anticipate it is about to. However, there is another, totally normal, type of sexual desire called “responsive desire.” Responsive desire differs from spontaneous desire in that it emerges “in response to pleasure” (Nagoski, 2021). This means explicitly sexual and erotic things and acts may need to be present in order for someone to feel sexual desire.

Folks who have responsive desire tend to say things like, “Yeah, once we started making out, I started feeling turned on. And then we had sex and I actually was really into it!” Something pleasurable (making out) needed to be present in order to be turned on (desire).

Responsive desire tends to be more present in those assigned female at birth (AFAB), while spontaneous desire tends to be more present in those assigned male at birth. AFAB folks are also more likely to move from spontaneous desire in their younger years to responsive desire as they age. The causes for this are multifactorial and may include physical, environmental, relational, and/or psychological changes. Things like changing hormones, settling into relationships, increased life stressors/demands, or raising children are just some examples of what can contribute to changes in one’s sexual desire. People may also move between spontaneous and responsive desire throughout their lives. 

It is worth reiterating: responsive desire is totally normal. Movies, porn, and other media are not great representations of normalcy–they tend to be great representations of a highly unattainable “ideal” that is not reflective of most people’s lived experience. This unfortunate, myopic representation of sexual desire means that a lot of people who have totally normal sexual desire are left believing that something is wrong with them or their relationship, and also bereft of pleasure! It would be like saying that there is only one way to enjoy movie popcorn–with butter–and anyone who doesn’t like that or prefers to put Snow Caps on their popcorn is bad and wrong. That is a) ridiculous and b) detracting from everyone’s popcorn and movie-going experience.

You may be wondering: how does one access responsive desire? Both spontaneous and responsive desire are about context, but especially responsive desire. The right factors need to be present, or absent, in order for someone to feel sexual desire.

Drs. John Bancroft and Erick Janssen at the Kinsey Institute developed what’s called the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response. This model can be helpful in identifying which factors need to be present or absent in order to experience sexual desire. Essentially, they identified that our sexual desire operates like an “accelerator” and a “brake.” Just like in a car, if our foot is on the brake and accelerator at the same time, we’re still not going anywhere. We need to take our foot off the brake in order to move–in order to experience desire.

What pushes on one’s brake is different for each person. Some common factors that I hear from clients include: 

• Exhaustion

• Being sick or in pain

• Having been touched and poked all day by your children

• Toys and clothes and who-knows-what being scattered around the bedroom

• Not having showered recently

• Having just gotten in an argument with your partner, parent, friend

• Having a lot on the to-do list

Identifying what pushes on your brake and sharing this with your partner is important in cultivating a satisfying sex life, period, but especially if you have responsive desire. You and your partner can identify what needs to happen in order for your brake to be freed up to feel what’s pushing on the accelerator.

Identifying what pushes on your brakes may also unlock some accelerators: maybe it’s hot when your partner tidies up the bedroom, takes care of some of the tasks on your to-do list, or cares for you when you’re sick! You may also have totally unrelated accelerators, like your partner wearing a particular shirt, or you wearing a particular shirt, or engaging in a new activity, or reading smut.

You likely have many accelerators that are not explicitly sexual, that can add to creating an erotic context for you. To identify non-sexual accelerators, pay attention to how things make you feel as you move throughout the day. Do you notice yourself feeling more open, relaxed, interested, turned on by whatever it is you’re experiencing? What brings you any form of pleasure, even if small, throughout your day?

And if you’re interested in exploring what some explicitly sexual accelerators may be, I recommend checking out Scarleteen’s Yes, No, Maybe So list for some ideas. You can read this list and see what seems appealing, and then perhaps give them a try to see how they feel in real life.

To recap: you’re not broken. Responsive desire is totally normal, just as normal as spontaneous desire. We just haven’t been given the knowledge or tools to access it, until now.

*Please note that some folks do experience low desire, whether their desire is spontaneous or responsive. “Low desire” really is unique to you–is your desire lower than you’d like it to be, and do you find it distressing? If both of those are true, and it’s not just that your context needs to be adjusted to access your responsive desire, there may be other factors getting in the way of your desire. These may include (but are not limited to): medical conditions, pain with sex, mental health concerns, relational issues, or trauma. A sex therapist can help you identify what is lowering your desire and what can be changed to help you regain access to your desire.

About the Author

Rachel Mintz is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Certified Sex Therapist (CST), and Perinatal Mental Health-Certified (PMH-C) therapist based in Chicago, and she’s the founder of Connection Psychotherapy. Rachel helps clients heal from trauma, address dissatisfaction with their sex lives, navigate pregnancy and postpartum struggles, reduce anxiety, and stop engaging in obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Rachel uses various evidence-based modalities, including CBT, ACT, EMDR, ERP, and Mindfulness.