Debunking parenting myths
As a therapist, I spend a lot of time debunking myths. Often, when people come to therapy with these myths, or assumptions, or “shoulds,” they’re judging themselves, evaluating themselves negatively in comparison with how they believe they “should” be.
Parenting, in particular, is such a vulnerable act–you want to be a “good” parent, you’re exhausted, your whole life has been flipped upside down, you’re taking on a brand new role with no instruction manual, and you don’t want anything bad to happen to your little human. With all of this going on, it’s easy to believe myths about how you “should” feel and be as a parent. Unfortunately, buying into these myths adds suffering on top of an already challenging phase of life. Below are some common myths that parents bring to me, with my two-cents as a Perinatal Mental Health Certified (PMH-C) therapist.
I should fall in love with my baby as soon as they’re born. It should be instant, big, obsessive, all-encompassing.
Not all parents immediately connect with their babies. Your baby is a brand new human that you’ve never seen before. You’re exhausted. And if you gave birth, you’re healing from a major medical event. Imagine trying to connect with a partner, friend, or family member that you already know during this time–you might find it hard to connect with them. The same can occur with your baby. Building a strong emotional connection with your baby may take some time–maybe months. This is totally normal. Be patient with yourself.
I should be happy to spend every second of my day with my baby.
Would you be happy doing anything all of the time, without a break?
Think about your favorite dessert. Would you want to eat this for every meal, every snack, all the time, every day? How do you think you would feel if you did?
Think about some of your favorite people. Would you want to spend every second with them, including sometimes when you’re in the bathroom? With only fleeting moments of alone time?
I didn’t think so.
Up until you had this baby, your life was filled with different people, activities, and stimuli throughout the day. Now, you’re suddenly thrust into spending several hours on end with someone who demands near-constant attention, that either can’t have a conversation with you or is really only interested in talking about Bluey for thirty seconds before moving onto something else. Yes, spending time with your child is such a gift, and can be so beautiful, and heart-warming, and all of the things. And it’s also exhausting, demanding, and frustrating. It’s totally normal to want time away from your baby, and frankly, it’s necessary for your mental health.
I should be able to do it all by myself.
Absolutely not. The idea of raising children just within the nuclear family–two parents, their kids, no one else–is a newer phenomenon. For most of human existence, children were raised by a group of adults, by tribes or villages. And in many cultures throughout the world, this is still the case.
Imagine having 5-to-10 trusted adults, all taking turns caring for your baby throughout the day, while you could nap, do some laundry, have an interesting conversation with another adult, go for a walk… Sounds dreamy, right? Unfortunately, this is not reality for most people in the US. The US values individualism, which is “every person for themselves.” This can create a number of issues, one of them being this idea that we should be able to exist entirely by ourselves, without help from others, and that something is wrong with us if we cannot. This is just simply not true.
Remember COVID? Remember wiping down your groceries? Some of us felt compelled to do this because we were aware of how many people played a part in getting those blueberries to our hands: the people who picked them, the people who packaged them, the truck drivers who drove them, the grocery store workers who received the delivery and put them in the fridge. While we may not know these people, we are connected to them.
Interdependence, mutually relying on others for support, is healthy. Hyperindependence is not. You were not meant to provide all the childcare, do all the laundry, wash all the dishes, get all the groceries, make all the food, check in on all your loved ones, show up to all the social events, and also engage in everything you need to feel physically and emotionally well, without any help. And if you showed up in my office, telling me that you were doing all of these things without help, I would be concerned. Parenting, and life in general, takes a village.
If you find that you’re experiencing a postpartum mental health disorder such as anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, or PTSD, this may impact bonding with your baby and make it feel extra hard to spend time with them. Working with a Perinatal Mental Health-Certified therapist (PMH-C) can help address mental health concerns preventing you from connecting with your baby.
About the Author
Rachel Mintz is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Certified Sex Therapist (CST), and Perinatal Mental Health-Certified (PMH-C) therapist based in Chicago, and she’s the founder of Connection Psychotherapy. Rachel helps clients heal from trauma, address dissatisfaction with their sex lives, navigate pregnancy and postpartum struggles, reduce anxiety, and stop engaging in obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Rachel uses various evidence-based modalities, including CBT, ACT, EMDR, ERP, and Mindfulness.