Mindfulness Guide
Many of my clients benefit from practicing mindfulness, but often enter therapy with a number of misconceptions about what mindfulness actually is. They may conflate mindfulness with other meditation practices, or view it as a coping skill, which can lead them to feeling frustrated while practicing, ultimately discontinuing their mindfulness practice altogether. Below, I hope to clarify what mindfulness is (and is not) and its utility, as well as clear up common misconceptions.
According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, mindfulness is: “Awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” In my work with clients, I expand upon Kabat-Zinn’s definition, defining mindfulness as: The intentional awareness of something, without judgment, and with a deep, childlike curiosity. Any time your mind wanders, bring it back to what you’ve chosen to focus on in a kind, gentle, nonjudgmental way.
As you may have gathered, mindfulness is active. You’re tasked with noticing whatever you’ve chosen to focus on, noticing when your mind wanders, and bringing your mind back. This is hard work that requires us to be aware and attentive throughout the practice. It’s not something that happens by accident.
I liken mindfulness to lifting weights: You may lift weights to build strong muscles so you can easily lift heavy items (children, furniture, etc.) in your daily life. In order to gain strength, you have to lift weights regularly. You lift weights because of this long-term goal, not based on whether or not you feel stronger immediately after one weight-lifting session. Sometimes you may feel strong, sometimes you may feel weak, and sometimes you may feel the same as you did before you started lifting that day.
Mindfulness is similar. It is a skill that takes time to develop, like a muscle, and it requires dedicated practice to build that skill. You may not feel “better” after practicing mindfulness, because that’s not the point. The point is the skill you’re building: the long-term goal.
It’s important to note that sometimes, a side effect of practicing mindfulness is feeling better–relaxed, calm, peaceful. It’s a lovely gift when it happens, but that isn’t the point of the practice. Practicing mindfulness to feel “better” is actually antithetical to mindfulness. This is because mindfulness requires a nonjudgmental stance towards whatever you’re noticing. If we’re noticing we’re feeling sad/anxious/angry/etc., and deciding this needs to change, we’re judging that emotion as “bad” in some way. Mindfulness, on the other hand, invites experiencing the sensations of these emotions (perhaps chest tightness, sweating, pit in the stomach) with a deep curiosity, allowing the sensations to be there as we notice them without judgment. If you’re going into a “mindfulness practice” in order to shift your emotional state, that isn’t mindfulness–that’s a coping skill.
So, why would I practice mindfulness if it doesn’t make me feel better?
The potential benefits of a regular mindfulness practice are vast.
Mindfulness can:
Increase awareness of your emotions and thoughts: A regular mindfulness practice helps you become more aware of your emotions and thoughts as they’re occurring, and teaches you to view them without judgment (as good or bad). When we’re more aware of our thoughts and emotions as they’re occurring, we’re better equipped to: communicate our emotions with others more effectively; identify our needs more readily; notice when we’re starting to leave our Window of Tolerance; challenge or reframe thoughts that are causing distress; and choose helpful responses, rather than rely on unhelpful, automatic reactions.
Increase ability to let go of thoughts that are not helpful: You’ve likely experienced rumination and intrusive thoughts at some point in your life. And you may have noticed that it’s difficult to enjoy whatever is happening in the present when your mind is somewhere else. Mindfulness teaches us how to let go of the thoughts that aren’t serving us in that moment, so that we can connect more with the present.
Increase distress tolerance of aversive experiences (e.g. uncomfortable emotions, physical discomfort, or challenging situations): Mindfulness fosters an ability to notice discomfort but not become consumed by it. When we’re able to do this, we’re better able to make choices around what we want to focus on.
Here’s an example of what this could look like:
You’re on a hike in the middle of nowhere, 4 miles from your car. No cell service. Both of your shoes’ soles fall off, effectively leaving you with fancy socks. You can either focus only on how annoying this is, how much it sucks, and how it’s going to ruin the rest of your hike. Or, you can take a step back, view this as a funny hiccup, problem-solve, and try to enjoy the beauty of nature and your company for the rest of the hike. Mindfulness helps us access different perspectives on a situation (in this instance, funny instead of tragic), and tolerate aversive emotions and thoughts (anxiety about spraining an ankle, “what-ifs” about the rest of the hike), so that you can turn your attention to all the enjoyable parts of the experience.
In this vein, mindfulness has been found to be particularly useful for those experiencing chronic pain–a constant aversive experience. Mindfulness can help us view the pain with more curiosity, notice unhelpful thoughts that come up about our pain, and return our attention to whatever is most helpful, values-aligned, and goals-aligned in the moment (perhaps, playing games with your family or enjoying the sunshine on your skin).
Change your brain: MRI scans after an 8-week mindfulness course demonstrate a reduction in the size of the amygdala (responsible for fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses) and an increase in the size of the prefrontal cortex (responsible for emotional regulation, decision-making, and attention) (Ireland, 2014). This means that our brains become better equipped at tolerating stress, staying emotionally regulated, making decisions, and focusing.
Improve your sex life: the ability to be present in one’s body is a prerequisite for enjoying sex. If we are caught up in our thoughts or not able to tune into the sensations in our bodies, we’re not able to enjoy sex. Mindfulness gives us the tools to do this, as Lori Brotto so eloquently describes in her book “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” which is full of research on this topic. Mindfulness can also teach us to view normal things that happen during/regarding sex (lack of arousal, loss of erections, feeling ticklish, reduced frequency, etc.) without judgment and with a deep curiosity, taking pressure off of ourselves for experiencing normal, human things.
So, if we bring it back to the lifting metaphor, once we’ve engaged in a regular mindfulness practice for a while, we will be able to spontaneously call upon this skill in the moment to do all of the aforementioned:
Notice our thoughts, emotions, sensations, urges, external circumstances as things that are happening, rather than being automatically consumed by them
View all of these internal and external stimuli with less judgment
Make more informed choices about how we want to respond to these stimuli, rather than going with our immediate reactions
How do I know if I could benefit from mindfulness?
Common presentations I prescribe mindfulness for include:
Difficulty remaining present (with others, during sex, etc.)
Behaving impulsively
Intrusive thoughts or rumination
Feeling like you go from 0-100 emotionally
Difficulty regulating your emotions
Engaging in behaviors that feel outside of your control
Avoiding aversive situations, people, emotions, or physical sensations
If you believe you could benefit from a mindfulness practice and want support on that journey, please reach out to schedule a session.
About the Author
Rachel Mintz is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Certified Sex Therapist (CST), and Perinatal Mental Health-Certified (PMH-C) therapist based in Chicago, and she’s the founder of Connection Psychotherapy. Rachel helps clients heal from trauma, address dissatisfaction with their sex lives, navigate pregnancy and postpartum struggles, reduce anxiety, and stop engaging in obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Rachel uses various evidence-based modalities, including CBT, ACT, EMDR, ERP, and Mindfulness.